A Night of Worship

Tonight from 6 to 8..ish.. The School of Worship was putting on a “Night of Worship.” Naturally following the music, I went to this thing and jumped right in. Some time into the second song, God starts dropping images of different people into my head, and I started praying for them. Then, during a quiet moment, Jon Williams- the director of TSOW- asked all of us to just talk to the Lord, sing to him, whatever, and I just got really quiet. That was when God made a statement to me. 

“You talk to me for other people and about other people, but you hardly give me your love.” 

Gah. I’m still convicted about that, because it’s so true. I can talk, talk, talk to God on behalf of my family and my friends, but when it comes to just me and God.. I am so very lacking. 

Then Jon Williams, during one of the songs, started singing on his own, asking us what would we do if we were in front of Jesus? What would we do if God walked in? And I honestly just thought about it. My conclusion: I would probably stay by the wall and try to keep distance between us- not because I WANT to and not because I don’t love him, but because I feel so unworthy to be with him. I wish I could say I would be like the crowds of people that just swarmed to Jesus so they could just touch him, or like Mary who just sat at Jesus’ feet.. but I can’t. I can’t say I’d even be able to look at him. I feel like I’ve failed him.

That doesn’t matter though. Nothing can ever separate us from the love of God. Not our successes or failures. There’s nothing I can do to make him love me more, or to make him love me less. And even though I’m thinking about it more and more, it’s still such an impossible thing for me to grasp. I guess I don’t need to think about it so much because fact is fact, whether I understand it or not. 

I’m sure if Jesus walked into the room right now and I hid under the desk, he would come over and sit under the desk with me because he loves me regardless of my humanity. I can’t really DO anything for him, and I definitely can’t give him anything. That being said, 

God doesn’t want something from us. He simply wants us. 

I’m pretty sure I’ll never understand how that can be true, but it is. He’s a God that made us to love him. And he loves us more than anything- flaws and everything.

Random thought::
The quote is almost like our theme for this past tour- Relentless Pursuit: Captured by the Fierce Love of God. Hmm.. Weird.